


i can't decide

by cjcjc



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, M/M, Swearing, alcohol use, bill is human, dw they're only there for the beginning, ocs because other gf characters just dont fit, sorta - Freeform, stan is mentioned, terrible flanter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-29
Updated: 2015-11-29
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5186240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjcjc/pseuds/cjcjc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In where it's been a year since Bill and Dipper have broken up, but loose knots come undone as loose ends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i can't decide

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic on ao3 and i'll probably regret this later on, but anyway enjoy!  
> all mistakes are mine, i don't have a beta so if there are any inconsistencies/errors or if they don't make sense at all feel free to point them out! -cj
> 
> (sorry the layout changes i.e. the indents of each sentence, i've copied and pasted it off a word document)
> 
> (bill isn't as asshole-y as i wanted him to be but c'est la vie:)) this is my spin on his character)

**i can't decide**

**chapter i: what's your problem?**

‘ _Fuck I’m late already._ ’ Bill thinks to himself as he hastily weaves in and out of groups of people littered down the street. He was supposed to meet Chris and all her friends because apparently “ _if you meet new people it will help you fit right in!_ ” He really wishes that someone else had introduced him at college.

            He walks into a wall of warmth as he enters the café and sees Chris waving her arm wildly at him. Bill rolls his eyes jokingly and walks towards them, she’s brought a nicely sized group of about six people—not including herself—and they’re all sat in pairs so it leaves one person out at the end of the table. “Guys!” Chris rings chirpily to bring the attention to her, “this is my friend Bill—“

            The person at the end coughs and chokes on his coffee. Bill’s eyes dart towards him and _‘oh no’_. Chris’ words drown out as Bill tries to desperately hang onto them because his head starts to drift to different words and memories. He wills himself to calm down because ‘ _it’ll only be awkward if you’re awkward’_ and plasters a smile on his face. “—so that’s Ellie, Nathan and you’re gonna be sitting next to—“

            “Hi Dipper.” he greets and gently tugs off his scarf.                       

            Chris’ eyebrows quirk up, “Do you guys know each other?”

            Dipper averts his eyes somewhere else and nods briskly. “A while back and it’s nothing big, h-he just so happened to live near me back in Oregon.” 

            Bill clenches his fist because Dipper has the audacity to call three years worth of summers and waiting ‘nothing big’ but what he does instead is sit down in his designated chair and comply solemnly. “Yeah those were the days…” Dipper looks up and Bill shares a lewd smile. “Weren’t they _Pinetree_?”

            The use of the nickname has Dipper’s stomach reeling. “Yep sure were.”

            The topic sparks an interest in Ellie. “So how did you guys meet before?”

            Bill’s grin becomes wider, “I was staying at my aunt’s in Oregon and saw this nice little Shack just outside of the forest and decided to go in, Pinetree just so happened to be working that one time and we really hit it off.”

            “Oh I know this!” her brows furrow as she tries to remember what Dipper had told her. “Gravity Falls yeah? And it was the Mystery Shack wasn’t it?”

            “You bet it,” Bill replies. “Then I found an excuse to go there every day and Dipper didn’t mind, didn’t ya Pinetree?”

            “Nope, not at all,” Dipper replied coolly as he silently fumed inside. “I mean there was totally nothing annoying about a kid who would loiter about in your shop all day and leave with nothing.”

            Bill snorts, “Don’t get like that on me kid, I bought that snow globe and that _unique_ necklace or whatever Stan tried to sell it as.”

            The way Bill dismisses the necklace hits a nerve and Dipper clenches his fist in a vain effort to distract him from remembering. “Yeah that god awful necklace, I mean I can’t believe you even bought it.” the words keep spilling from his mouth as he forces every syllable from his throat to try to convince himself that it was nothing. “Grunkle Stan was always great at convincing people to buy any old shit anyway.”

            Bill’s face falls but Dipper doesn’t notice. “It meant a lot after I bought it though, gave it to someone special but they’re probably thrown it away.” he states passively and Ellie shares a sympathetic look.

            Dipper swallows thickly and grasps a bundle of his shirt trapping the necklace. It starts to feel heavy around his neck and tingles where it lay. “You act like you’ve not thrown away your ex’s stuff Cipher.” The necklace starts to suffocate him, suddenly feeling too tight even though it hung loosely enough to rest the pendant on his chest.

            The mood changes. “Why are you always assuming and acting like you know me _Pinetree_?”

The question, and use of his nickname has Dipper on the edge so he promptly stands up and declares, “I’m going to the toilet.” and leaves. He strolls past Bill and a waft of his cologne has Bill’s head dizzy with memories of long nights and fast days that slipped through his fingers.  Dipper’s outfit reminds him of when they visited the ice rink, with white collars peeking over a cream sweater, black skinny jeans that clung to his long legs and a navy blue coat.

            They order before Dipper can get back but there’s already a steaming mug waiting for him at the table. His shoulders sag with relief when he sees that Bill’s at the counter looking at the various cakes and sits back down trying to regain composure. _‘It’s okay. It’s been a year, that’s 365 days and it means I’ve moved on, he’s moved on and we’ve moved on_ ’. He picks up his mug and takes a tentative sip and becomes pleasantly surprised. “Hey, who ordered my drink?” Dipper asks and the group all shrug apart from Ellie who says, “Oh Bill did.”

            ‘ _Of course he did,’_ Dipper thinks to himself and tries to stop the tremble in his fingertips because Bill can’t do this to him again.  “What’s up with you and the Bill guy?” Ellie continues as she fixes her braids into a ponytail. “Like you don’t have to tell me if it’s like way too personal but there was tension when he arrived.”

 _‘Not to mention that whole goddamn conversation_.’ Dipper rolls his eyes in an effort to brush it off, “Just recognised a familiar face, that’s all.” Ellie doesn’t believe a single word of it but doesn’t press on.

            Dipper lets his eyes wander and they land back on Bill who’s shrugged off his coat and is wearing an eccentrically yellow coloured sweater with the neck of his black tee peeking from the dip of the sweater. He matches the shirt with a pair of black jeans and finishes it off with a pair of white Converse that have seen better days. Dipper doesn’t mean to _stare_ but how couldn’t he? Bill looked good, and still does with his all year tan, freckle dotted face and amber eyes. He notes that Bill’s hair is shorter, but a nice length that retains the waviness of his blonde locks.

            Dipper manages to avert his eyes back down to his coffee as Bill returns with a tray of cakes and the group all murmur their ‘thank you’s.  “How’s college treating you then?” asks Bill as he eats a piece of cake with his fork. “Hope you’ve been taking care of yourself Pinetree.”

            His voice is achingly sincere and Dipper answers through gritted teeth. “College is _fine_ Bill. I’m more than capable to look after myself and can you not call me that?”

            Bill shrugs and continues eating. The group senses the way the atmosphere strains but do their best to talk over it. Nathan speaks up, “Hey Bill what courses are you doing at college?”

            “Eh, science, maths and engineering, not that exciting really,” he replies.

            “Same!” Ellie adds happily. “Do you have Mr Sims in physics? I _hate_ him, I am literally about this close from getting up there and giving my own lecture, he just doesn’t know how to teach!”

            Bill laughs genuinely and it makes Dipper’s chest hurt, “Yes! All he does is drawl on and on about how we chose the wrong the course.” He continues talking to the group and effortlessly blends right in. He tries to include Dipper in a handful of occasions who flat out rejects the offer and starts a random conversation with someone else.

            Bill begins to get fed up with it, so when the others are invested in another topic he prods at Dipper’s leg from under the table to catch his attention and hisses out. “What is _your_ problem?”

            Dipper’s head snaps towards him, “Nothing.” he answers innocently and plays with the leftovers of his cake.

            “It clearly doesn’t seem like it since you’re fucking ignoring me _Dipper_.” Even though Dipper had asked him not to use the nickname, it stings and surges up a memory he’s tried to conceal in the back of his head. “I’m trying to act normal for the sake of this group and you’re acting like a huge brat.”

            “I’m not!” Dipper cries out defiantly. “Who do you think you are parading in here and talking to my friends like you know them and talking to me as if you don’t know me? Because I know you do Bill, and you don’t think it bothers me that you act like I’m someone new while you go order my favourite drink and use that stupid nickname?”

            Bill’s shoulders scrunch up, “It’s not my fault is it Dipper? I didn’t even know these were your friends, you can’t expect me to think that out of all the people I could’ve befriended, I would’ve befriended _yours_? And do you really think I’d just act like we broke up yesterday? Well I’m _sorry_ that I’ve not lived up to your expectations again.”

            He knows the last comment hurts because Dipper’s eyes widen and he clenches his jaw. Bill doesn’t want to take a single word of it back, but why does he regret it when Dipper’s face flashes distress before returning back to stoic? He knows he’s the definition of stubborn but that doesn’t stop Bill from staring him down. Their gazes are only broken when Chris declares that they’re all invited to a party Thursday night at 7:30. “It’s neon themed!” she squeals. “It’s going to look super cool and James is so going to be there.”

            Ellie rolls her eyes, “You’d follow James off a cliff. Are you coming Bill?”

            He shares Dipper a glance who’s looking the other way with arms crossed over his chest. “Sure, why not?”

_

 

“No refunds?” the blonde boy quirked an eyebrow at the sign on the till. “But what if the merchandise is damaged?”

            Dipper huffed and wished that Stan had taken the FAQ on board but just dismissed the idea. “It says what it says, Gru—I mean my boss won’t take anything back.” he answered flippantly and looked up from his book.

            The boy was gorgeous.

            “I mean uh, um. wh-what’s the problem with your thing? I meant stuff, uh merchandise,” Dipper stammered and played with the dog eared pages of his book to keep his hands occupied.

The boy smirked, “Was just curious, that’s all.” and he began to wander around the shack observing the souvenirs of fake oddities. Dipper tried not to let his eyes follow him but how couldn’t he? The boy was tall and his shoulders were broadening out. Dipper assumed they were about the same age as he was lanky and still filling out; his arms were littered with freckles and his knees were scarred and grazed. He let his eyes wander up and caught the pensive look in his eyes, the sharp corner of his lip and the clench of his jaw.

Meanwhile Dipper felt small compared to him. He had no chance and was already infatuated. He was a gawky fifteen onto sixteen year old who had lanky limbs and were only filled out with lean muscle. He was all scrawny shoulders, awkward grins and a mop of bushy curls that he could barely tame. Who was he kidding?

The boy returned to the till with a snow globe and Dipper punched a few buttons at the till before looking up.  “That’ll be $3.25.”

“You’ve got nice eyes kid,” the boy complimented and Dipper flushed. The boy handed him a five dollar bill. “Keep the change.”

He left.

He left Dipper in awe too.

 

The next day Dipper had to work _again_ because Wendy was ‘ill’ and Mabel decided to go out with Candy and Grenda for the day, but he didn’t complain because the blonde boy had wandered into the shack again. “Have you actually been on a tour yet?” Dipper asked once he’d built enough confidence to find his voice.

The blonde’s head peeked out from a shelf, “Nope, my aunt says they’re good although I’m sure she spent more time talking about an old man in a fez than anything else.”

Dipper snorted, “Oh god, that’s my Grunkle I can’t believe—“

“Grunkle?”

“Oh, it’s great and uncle smushed together to make one word so—Grunkle.” Dipper emphasised the sentence with an expressive hand gesture of crashing his hands together.

The boy grinned, “That’s clever, suppose I’ll start calling my great aunt Graunt then.”

He had stopped looking around the shop and was now walking towards Dipper who started to panic internally, he hadn’t prepared for this scenario to happen at all. All he imagined was some sort of implied flirting and maybe his name but not _this_. “So…” the boy began and searched Dipper’s vest for some form of name tag.

Dipper flushed because the boy was insistent on staring at his chest. “Uh… what’re you looking for?” He consciously fixed his vest and the boy looked up sheepishly.

“Thought you’d have a name tag,” the boy replied and laughed. “I’ve been calling you brunette babe in my head all day.”

Dipper laughed. And kept on laughing awkwardly to a point where he thought he should stop but he couldn’t. The boy raised an eyebrow, “What’s so funny? I’m not lying.” 

He caught his breath back again, “I-uh it’s Dipper.”

“Dipper? Like the Big Dipper from the Ursa Major?”

Oh and he was clever too, Dipper didn’t know he could become even more infatuated with this boy. “Uh yeah, I was born with this freakish birthmark that looked like it and the nickname caught on.”

“Can I see it?” he asked, placed both hands on the counter and leaned over. Man was this boy forward, but that didn’t stop Dipper from removing his hat and lifting back his bangs to show it. “ _Dude_ ,” he breathed out, “that’s so cool, wish I had a cool birthmark.”

“So uh, what’s your name then?”

The boy smiled, “Bill.”

“Short for William…?”

“Nope, just Bill—Bill Cipher.”

“No way is that your last name,” gasped Dipper as his head immediately linked it with mysteries and solving the unknown.

Bill tilted his head, “Well it is, kid.”

Dipper felt belittled by the nickname and scrunched his shoulders up. “So uh,” he pathetically tried to continue the conversation. “How come I’ve never seen you around before?”

“You saw me yesterday,” replied Bill without a breadth of hesitation. “I moved here to live with my Aunt, I was living with my dad but things …” he swirled his finger in the air, “got complicated. Enough about me kid, how about you then?”

Dipper gulped and put his hat back on again. “Um, my twin sister and I come over every summer and help my Grunkle out with the shack,” he shrugged his shoulders and awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, “ah sorry, I’m not a very interesting person. You should meet my sister, she’d be more exciting than me.”

Bill laughed, “I find you _riveting_ Pinetree.” he flicked Dipper’s hat. “Anyway, what time do you finish around here?”

Dipper was taken aback, “Uh I finish whenever, Grunkle Stan just makes me wait it out for a bit just in case any tourists come in.”

Bill hummed contently, “You free this afternoon? Since you like mysteries and all I can show you where my secret hide out is, Pinetree.”

Dipper felt his face glow but managed to splutter out a snarky response, “Not much of a secret is it if you tell me?”

“You’re the only exception.” Bill winked.

With both eyes.

He knew it was a wink because his right eye shut completely but the left struggled to keep open. Dipper burst out laughing. “What was that?”

Bill scrunched up his face, “It’s called flirting, kid.”

“That was _blinking_.”

“Pfft, whatever you call it.”

Dipper felt a warmth settle in his stomach.

 

_

 

Dipper feels a fizzing warmth settle at the bottom of his stomach. He’s drunk a few beers (or maybe more) and feels a gentle buzz thrumming around his body. His face has been decorated by Ellie who painted a neon green vine that started on his right temple and trailed all the way down to his neck. Neon yellows, pinks and purples bloom off the vine and she’s outlined his birthmark too with neon blue.

‘ _Hm, Bill decided not to show up then,’_ he thinks smugly. He tips his head back as he finishes off the rest of his beer and stands up to throw the can in the trash. He wobbles and nearly falls over if it wasn’t for some dude to steady him. “Oh thanks man,” he lisps and looks up. “Oh Christ.”

Bill’s looking back down at him with a raised brow his face is decorated with neon yellows, reds and oranges that only highlight his features in the dark room. There’s a large yellow circle centred on his forehead with a fat dot in the middle, red lines heighten his cheeks and orange swirls around his face and follow down to his neck. Dipper looks down and regrets it because Bill’s wearing a clingy black shirt that accentuates his broad shoulders and taut muscle; he’s even painted his arms too. Even in his slightly hazy vision Dipper feels his face flare hot as he drinks in the sight of Bill. “Too much to drink,” he pauses. “Dipper?”

“No,” replies Dipper defiantly and pulls away, walking towards a corner swaying slightly. “I know how to handle my drink, Cipher.”

Bill smirks. “On last name terms are we now Pines? Oh and,” he leans forward and whispers in Dipper’s ear, “the yellow really brings out your eyes Pinetree.”

Dipper feels something raw and hot seize his chest and he’s not sure if it’s the alcohol or maybe he’s not seen Bill for a _year_ but he grasps bunches of Bill’s shirt and pulls him close. He tilts his head up and replies, “That’s because I’ve only got these eyes for _you_.”

He feels his heart pound rapidly against his ribs because ‘ _fuck was I meant to say that?_ ’ And Bill’s leaning in again, too close for Dipper’s liking but he can’t make himself look away. He feels the necklace get tugged and Bill’s fiddling with it in between his forefinger and thumb but Bill’s still in his personal space. He looks into Dipper’s eyes, livid and intense. “…you kept it?”

“Of course I fucking did.” Dipper laughs bitterly. “It wasn’t the only thing I couldn’t get rid of.”

Bill’s character abruptly changes and Dipper’s suddenly pushed up against the wall with Bill’s hands on either side of his head. “ _Don’t_ —“but before Bill could even comprehend what was happening Dipper kisses him.

The year melts away; they forget and submerge themselves into satisfactory bliss because all the build up led to this. This is what they were ghosting around; pretending the missing piece was filled in when what they really needed was each other. They find their rhythms again, lips moving in tandem as they remember how each other worked. Bill pulls away first. “What are you doing Pinetree?”

Dipper shuts his eyes, his face flames up with embarrassment. “I’ve missed you so much.”

“You’re drunk.” Bill states bluntly and sighs. Dipper opens his eyes and looks up, Bill looks torn. “I can’t do this to you, you’re drunk and can’t even think straight.”

Dipper giggles, “That’s because I’m _bi_!” 

Bill rolls his eyes and steps back, Dipper’s arm moves to grab him but he underestimates the distance and ends up falling flat on his face. He whines as he lifts himself up on his forearms. Bill heaves a heavy sigh as he bends down and hitches his arms under Dipper’s knees, torso and picks him up. “Let’s go home Pinetree.”

Dipper hooks his arms around Bill’s neck and mumbles in agreement. “My nose hurts.” Bill laughs and he can feel the rumble of it in Bill’s chest. “Don’t laugh at me, Billy.”

“I’m going to drop you.”

Bill places Dipper in the front passenger seat, and Dipper leans his head against the cool glass of the window. His face feels hot and his sweat matted hair is stuck to his forehead. He manages to buckle himself in after a lot of effort and Bill unhelpfully laughing. He vaguely remembers realising he’s in Bill’s jacket because he can smell faint whiffs of his cologne before he’s out like a light.

 

When Dipper wakes up the light is filtering in between the slit of the curtains which he doesn’t own. He sits up abruptly and regrets it as his headache reminds him why he hates alcohol. His mouth feels parched, his throat itches for water and his head feels heavy and threatens to fall from his shoulders. Dipper’s eyes feel dangerously dry and he unfortunately remembers he hadn’t taken out his contacts, so he painfully takes them out.

He finds a glass sitting on the nightstand and a pill on top of a sticky note. Dipper gingerly takes the note and reads Bill’s tilting cursive: ‘ _Morning Pinetree! I bet you’re feeling great this morning_ ’ he adds a snarky smiley face. ‘ _I went to buy groceries and should be back before 10, here’s a painkiller and see you soon sapling – bill x_ ’. Dipper smiles and takes the pill and downs the glass of water.

He gets up and makes the bed even though he still feels slightly ill, Dipper’s mouth feels disgusting so he pads out to find Bill’s bathroom and rinses out his mouth with mouthwash. He goes back to the bedroom to collect the glass and realises there’s a black glasses case on the nightstand. He quirks and eyebrow, Bill doesn’t _need_ glasses but it quickly catches on that they’re his. “Oh,” Dipper says out loud. “That’s where they went.”

He opens it and finds his old frames, he puts them on and looks into Bill’s full length mirror. He’s wearing Bill’s black Superdry jacket from the night before and smiles. “Oh god,” he chortles and gets flashbacks of his old self. “Boy, am I glad I changed them.”

“I think you look cute either way.”

Dipper jumps, and looks at Bill through his reflection and he’s smugly smirking. “Bill!”

“Is this the thanks I get after carrying your ass around?”

Dipper rolls his eyes but is genuine when he turns around and says, “Thank you.” Bill darts out of the room. “Wait!” he comes back into view, “uh … did I saw anything embarrassing?”

“Only your biggest and darkest fantasy about me,” replies Bill, he’s taking off his coat revealing a white button up underneath and punctuates it with a wink.

“You just blinked.”

Bill grumbles and Dipper grins, “ _Oh_ and Dipper, I don’t have a twin handy to fuck you at the same time.”

He cackles, Dipper feels the tips of his ears grow hot as throws a pillow at Bill but misses. So he runs after him, armed with two pillows under his arm and Bill scuttles away. He manages to hit him on the back of his head, it manages to get an ‘ _ow!’_ from Bill. “I swear to God Bill, the moment you stop I’ll—“

Bill lands a pillow smack middle on Dipper’s face. “You’ll what Pinetree?”

“Oh, it’s on Cipher.”

They start a fully fledged pillow fight that leaves them in tears of laughter, their sides ache as chortles rack through their ribs and both of them settle into the decision that they’ve missed this. Dipper manages to pin Bill to the floor and declares. “I win!”

Bill takes the opportunity to lean up and steal a kiss, _god_ he’s missed Dipper so much that he feels his chest pinch as Dipper smiles into the kiss. They break apart and Bill looks up at him, both of their chests heaving and Dipper feels a wave of sadness run through him. “You should stop thinking so much Pinetree.”

Dipper looks down, his glasses balance on his nose. “What are we doing Bill? We’re rushing, _again_.”

“We’re not rushing into something that’s already there.”

“Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Bill looks hurt and Dipper scrambles off him. He sits up and leans back on his hands, “I don’t understand you Dipper but last night at the party _you_ kissed _me_.”

“I know and—“

“What did I do Dipper? What did I do wrong?”

“Bill this isn’t about you—“

He stands up enraged. “Don’t say that.” even through his anger Bill’s words come out cold and steely. “First you avoid me, a-and then you kiss me and,” he lets out a noise of frustration. “You confuse me so much Pinetree, and I don’t know what to do because I still _love_ you and you keep leading me through all this bullshit.”

“I didn’t say I don’t love you too,” Dipper whispers, shoulders scrunching and fists clenching. “You can’t just stand there,” his voice starts to rise, “and pretend you’re the victim because guess what Bill? We’re both wrong and I admit it.”

“Then tell me!” Bill cries, his voice hoarse and borders around breaking. Dipper feels his heart break as Bill throws his forearm over his eyes. “Because do you know how painful the last year has been? Trying to convince myself that I moved on because you seemed to be so determined to leave m—us behind. I was so lost because you just _left_ without saying anything and didn’t look back and to find you again—“

Bill doesn’t finish his sentence, his voice instead breaks out into a cry. Dipper tentatively hovers a hand over his trembling shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He removes his arm from his eyes, Dipper didn’t think he’d see Bill cry and he guesses this is what he had left behind. His chest hurts as Bill looks at him pleadingly with red rimmed eyes, his cheeks glisten with tears and he tries to keep his quivering lips still. “I’m sorry too.”

“I’m sorry,” Dipper repeats, “because I can’t do this.”

**Author's Note:**

> (pretends Dipper's neon facepaint just disappears)  
> Chapter 2 should hopefully be up by next week:)


End file.
